So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Let's get the cat blown out
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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