Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
