this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
