So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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