Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
