Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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