I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
