the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
