sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
