his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
