how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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