why didn't you poke me back
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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