i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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