Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
where are my eyebrows?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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