The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
