if i can run in heels then i can drive
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
zippers are such a cool invention
Sober January is a disaster.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
