My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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