Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
