one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
