you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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