I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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