The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
