I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Randomize
