Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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