new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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