Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
