he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
