I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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