Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Drunk is a universal language darling
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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