If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
