I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
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There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
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You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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