You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
