girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
