im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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