Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
