just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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