WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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