I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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