All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
