i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
