if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
