Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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