his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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