you have to choose: penises or morals?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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