Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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