apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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