she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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