your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
birth control should be required to get into college
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
