It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize