Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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