So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
