You're so nebulous sometimes
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
