It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
