The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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