Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
