Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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