omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
