You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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