Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
