i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He felt like a one man threesome
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Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
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Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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