Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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